WK3 - Ceremonial Crunch

We can only go so long without a Crunch.

WK3 is in the books and we have a new leader; Sitch, who had been chasing the Lion's tail, had a super-Saturday to remember and now finds himself leading the League.

"Can you say, 'HAZZZ!'?" screamed a sarcastic Sitch.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch was this week's top bread winner, bringing home an astounding 183.25 fantasy points, topping Burgundy, who was second with 149.05 fantasy points. Dick Burns, who has been asleep for much of the season so far, came in third with 125.35 fantasy points, even though he's yet to put Erik Karlsson  on his starting roster (who's been picking up a pile of points since his return). Tree Bone clocked in with 114.30 fantasy points, and Safari brought in 104.30 fantasy points (the lowest of the week and his poorest showing thus far).

"Ebbs and flows, bitch!" snickered Burgundy towards Safari.

 Sitch has also overtaken the lead in PPGP; he now owns a League-leading 4.09 (+0.35 vs. last week) but is still closely followed by second-place Safari (4.03). Dick Burns, however, had the biggest PPGP improvement during WK3; he added a whopping 0.37 PPGP.

As for the Rainbow, Sitch was able to get better scoring this week from his players, boosting his player statistics to slightly better averages than League-wide scoring. What remains to be Sitch's foundation is still goalie statistics, though; his combination of Bishop (DAL), Crawford (CHI) and Murray (PIT) average 6.24 PPGP while owning the best winning %, GAA and save %. While this pace cannot possibly last, one has to wonder when exactly it is going to stop.

"I remember when I used to have insane goalie stats," chimed in Dick, who has been reeling with the struggles of Price (MTL). "It was a different time..."

No major movement in rank, with the exception of Sitch leapfrogging Safari into first. Safari's streak of leading Randy's Children has been capped at two weeks.

Not much else to report in the Randy Leagues at this time. As mentioned previously, I've been in close contact with Sitch and Safari, both who have started (or will be starting) new employment opportunities. These events, though outside the world of fantasy hockey, will be updated as I get more information. The infamous Next Question series will also begin taking shape, so be on the lookout for those to come out soon.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

WK2 - the Return of McGuire

Happy Monday, my dear select-GM's.

We're two weeks into Randy's Children and we've yet to hear from our in-house (and possibly in-bred) star analyst, Pierre McGuire.

But not to worry; Commissioner Randy has in place an industry-leading high value retainer fee with McGuire, so he's here, forever. There's no escaping his analysis. So, shall we get to the weeks stats report, courtesy of the stats machine?

Adds McGuire: Heck yes!

Adds McGuire: Another strong, strong week for Safari. He was this week's top point accumulator, generating 78.75 fantasy points and maintained his lead over the pack. He was about 10 fantasy points better than Sitch and Burgundy, both who are still in hot (puck) pursuit. Tree Bone, however, misfired and generated a League-low 37.90 fantasy points.

Adds McGuire: Safari continues to lead PPGP as well, defecating on his competition by maintaining his roaring 4.61 PPGP (+0.01 since last week). Commissioner Randy said that a PPGP of this pace is unsustainable, but for now Safari's team is running like a well-oiled machine. Burgundy now sits second with a more 'realistic' PPGP of 3.79, followed by Sitch with a 3.74. Tree Bone sits fourth with a 3.11 (though this is down -0.25 since last week), while Dick Burns sits fifth with 2.34 (+0.24 since last week). 

Adds McGuire: As we can see through the Rainbow, Safari continues to dominate player stats; he's scoring at a respectable rate, but the big difference is that he's generating a very highly number of assists too. I find this very interesting, considering that in prior years select-GM's usually have to pick a side; they either try to be scoring leaders (goals) or other point leaders (essentially, being well-rounded in all other stat categories). Safari, for the time being, is holding court in almost all other areas, so he's giving zero fucks to historical standards.

Adds McGuire: No change in the rank; Safari has been the leader for two weeks straight.

Thanks McGuire.

In other news, I've heard whispers, rumours and tales floating about...

Aside from dedicating efforts to Randy's Children, each and every select-GM also #HAMs their other duties as citizens of the world. Whether it be conquering the field of fitness, mastering penial analytics, controlling the population of lynx, bossing children around or making people laugh, the select-GM's of the Randy Leagues put forth enormous effort to ensure they are the best person they can possibly be.

With this in mind, I've been informed that Safari will be making an employment transition to one of the most well-respected, highly innovative and influential companies in the world. Likewise, Sitch is also making an employment transition; it's been in the works for quite some time, slowly making its way like the flow of honey.

"Good things take time," said a tight-lipped Sitch. "Don't do it fast if you ain't doin' it right."

"That's what she said," chimed in Dick.

Wise words, Dick.

WK1 - Lion Unleashed

Time to break the cherry on the first stats report for Randy's Children 2017-2018.

WK1 is always an exciting time as it is the first time select-GM's get a look at their newly constructed teams. For some, it's a week of celebration as players overachieve and have insane shooting percentages (i.e. 50%) while others prematurely start digging themselves graves because their All-Star goalies get lit up on opening night. No fear, select-GM's; we've all seen this before. Ebbs and ---

"-- FLOWS, BITCHES!" screamed Burgundy.

Ahem... yes, that's right.

Anyways, WK1 belongs to African Lion Safari, who is fresh off his 2016-2017 Championship season. Opting to hold on to Austen Matthews (instead of his longtime Keeper Alex Ovechkin), Safari turned in an excellent week, posting top points earned (243.80) as well as an enormous 4.60 PPGP. Sustainable? Probably not, but impressive nonetheless.

Satisfied Lion.

Sitch, who currently sits second with 189.15 points and a 3.64 PPGP, stumbled out of the gate, as his skaters turned in a poor week (3.08 PPGP), but recovered with exceptional goalie performances (6.28 PPGP).

Third-seated Burgundy turned in a respectable week with 181.00 points and a 3.62 PPGP. He nearly matched the goal-scoring pace of Safari, but brought home about half of the assists, and severely lagged in goalie stats (his goalies generated 2.25 PPGP).

Tree Bone, sitting in fourth, did not have a high scoring week, but managed to pick up assists; her 161.00 fantasy points and 3.35 PPGP was respectable and keeps her well in the competition. However, like Burgundy, she also had a rough week with her goalies. Through WK1, she sports a League-low 2.05 PPGP from her goalies.

And finally, Team DB misfired during WK1, which is very odd considering Dick has been a notoriously fast starter. In previous seasons, he's either led or been the top two in the standings. However, this time around, his players and goalies faltered, and registered only 92.05 points and a 2.09 PPGP.

"Maybe this is the change I need," said Dick. "Slow start, strong finish. Just the way I like my honies."

Wise words, Dick.

The Draft

Draft day - one of the most fun-filled days of the year. Select-GM's fidget with their scribbled draft notes, impatiently waiting their turn to hit the podium and make selections. It's like a group of whiny children waiting their turn on the tire swing; it feels like an eternity before each gets a chance to go for a ride again.

This year's draft was held on September 23, 2017 at 10:00AM EDT. The festivities began about 30 minutes prior, with an email from Safari sending out a mass message to the League confirming the time of the draft.

"Yeah, and none of you bitches got back to me!" roared Safari.

It's true, but mostly because all other select-GM's were arranging their draft notes like mad and I, Commissioner Randy, was simply sitting back and enjoying the frantic last minute preparations.

"Frantic last minute preparations," pondered Sitch, last year's silver-situation. "Sounds like Dick Burns."

"I was 15 minutes early this year!" cheered Dick.

It's true; shockingly (and unheard of), Sir Dickery Burns was one of the first to enter the draft room with 15 minutes to spare before the opening. I've never heard of Dick Burns being early for anything before, but there he was comfortably seated and patiently awaiting the start of the draft. He just sat there, tipping his phallus trunk as the other select-GM's strolled in one by one.

"... It was weird," said Safari.

The "Dick Burns" Award (i.e. the "You're So Fucking Late" Award) actually went to Burgundy this year; the Ronald was nowhere to be seen when the clock struck 10:00AM.

"... Shall we wait?" Dick Burns stuttered into the podium microphone, ready to make the first-overall selection.

"PROCEED," ordered I, Commissioner Randy.

With the first-overall selection, Dick Burns selected Swedish heartthrob Erik Karlsson, who is poised to dominate again this year, assuming he's fully recovered from off-season surgery. Karlsson was also selected first-overall in last year's draft by Dick Burns.

"Good choice, Dick!" says Karlsson.

Next to the podium was Tree Bone, who wasted little time in picking up Patrick Kane. Following her selection, I received a call from the Ronald, who had "technical difficulties" with getting to the draft.

"Technical issues? Sounds like Burgundy's taking a page out of Vegas" smirked Sitch.

"I swear to God I had technical issues!" said Burgundy, tears forming. "I couldn't get the code to get through the gates to the draft floor. And then some security personnel questioned my being there!"

Sure, sure, Burgundy. Thankfully, Commissioner Randy saw the commotion going on and, with the wave of his finger, the security guards stepped aside and allowed a flustered Ronald to scurry to the podium to make the third-overall selection.

"I'm here! I'm here!" shouted an exhausted Burgundy into the podium microphone. "I select Brent Burns!"

The other select-GM's groaned as Burgundy trotted off the stage, clearly wishing he hadn't selected the sought-after D-man.

"Well that blows," said Sitch, scratching off Burns from his draft list. Approaching the microphone with the fourth-overall selection, Sitch then announced, "I'll take Victor Hedman."

And finally, with the fifth-overall and last pick of the first round, Safari (last year's Champion, might I add) chose Nikita Kucherov, the second Tampa Bay player to be selected in the top five picks.

The second round began with back-to-back picks by Sitch, who acquired a second round draft pick (which turned out to be sixth overall) from Safari in a trade from last year. The SensAsian always puts a premium on goals, so he opted to select Vladimir Tarasenko and Jamie Benn.

Adds McGuire: Pretty intimidating on paper, if you ask me. Sitch was able to secure three probable 40-goal scorers in Tarasenko, Benn and Stamkos (his Keeper) by the end of the second round. He also later picked up Marchand, who has averaged 38 goals over the last two seasons, and may score 40 this year as well. Four players with a high probability of scoring 40 goals each. What do you say about that?

"This is 40, bitch!" celebrated Sitch.

Sitch's favourite movie.

As the rounds passed, select-GM's found their groove and made sophisticated selections, applauding one another on occasional 'steals'. Jeff Skinner, a 37 goal scorer last year, was picked up late in the 14th round by Burgundy; the Ronald was congratulated handsomely by his peers.

"Shucks guys, you're too nice," said Burgundy, rosy cheeked.

The draft concluded just after 11:00AM EDT, and select-GM's shook hands and filed out in a civilized fashion. Sitch, who is notorious for trying to squeeze out a few crunches on stage at every draft, was relatively reserved and made no attempt to sell fitness products. Safari, fresh off a Title Belt season, was respectful and humble. Other than his late arrival, Burgundy was scotch-jolly, happy to see everyone after a long summer's break. Dick appeared well put together, despite recent residency issues involving a flood incident. And Tree Bone seemed poised and confident, backed by her Senior Adviser of Hockey Operations, Tree Bone, Sr.

Best wishes to you all, my dear select-GM's, my children.

"Thank you, Father," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

All Hell's About to Break Loose

I've given this considerable thought, weighing the pros and cons many times over. But at the end of the day, my hope is that this initiative will work out and prove to be beneficial to the League.

For the first time in League history, I am opening up the blog to allow guest posts by select-GM's - uncensored, might I add. I will have no control over what is posted nor when. Select-GM's have all been sent an invite earlier this afternoon to contribute to this blog.

"Absolutely stupid," said President Trump.

Each select-GM is now authorized to publish articles at his/her own free will. I'm opening the floodgates, busting the dam, spreading the thighs.

"That's more like it," said President Trump.

While I have had guest authors before (Burgundy and Pierre McGuire have occasionally filled in for me), this is something completely different. Call it the "Wikipedia" of fantasy hockey, if you will. I've always believed that two minds is better than one, and the more minds the better. Sure, more minds may lead to more typos and - god forbid - quantity over quality, but I'm going to stick my neck out there and test it.

It is my hope that allowing additional reporting and differing perspectives will create more interest and participation. After all, children are brought up and taught to speak their minds.

"We all have wise words to share," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Welcome back, children.

Greetings select-GMs,

It is I, Commissioner Randy, who welcomes you to another year of fantasy greatness. Fantasy hockey greatness, I should add. It's not to be confused with other frolic fantasies of any nature.

"But... but... PLEASURE-TOWN!" cried Burgundy.

Alright, alright. Fine. There will be other 'fantasies' to be had this year as well, but the majority will be stemming from fantasy hockey. Aren't I nice to bend the rules a tad?

Anyway, this year's Randy League has been titled "Randy's Children"; I think of all select-GM's as my children, so why not name the League as such? It has been said that Sir Fucking Randy is a fatherly figure around these parts, and I believe it to be an accurate assessment. I do encompass fatherly qualities if I may say so myself; I am proper, on point, fantastically-educated (minus the Masters in Penial Analystics), tough and loving. I love each and every one of my children, even though each and every one of them drives me mad. So, when organizing this year's League, I decided on naming it "Randy's Children". Not bad, right?

This site will be constructed and updated as the season kicks off, so check back often. Apologies for the state in which it appears currently; Mr. Fucking Randy has been busy training new staff and ensuring my firm-breasted secretaries get my poutine order right. I will build the site as time permits.

On a more serious note...

As with every welcome/kick off party, it is customary to feel energetic and optimistic. And while I do indeed feel the energy flowing and optimism rising, I remind all select-GM's that the season is long. It's one thing to show up for the opening ceremonies and completely another to take part on the grind day-in and day-out until season's end. The League runs on the grind; it runs on all select-GM's taking part.

Put another way, the Randy League is structured much like a classic dish of poutine. A skilled chef needs five distinct items working together to make it a successful dish: fries, cheese curds, gravy, salt and a heart attack. The same goes for the Randy Leagues: five highly skilled select-GM's giving it their all makes the League what it is.

I urge all select-GM's to remember that this League is solely built on a unique bond between individuals who share a common interest in not only the sport of hockey, but in building and maintaining friendships, and just having a fucking great time. The League exists - and shall only exist - as long as full select-GM participation is intact. So let us not disappoint one another, dear children; let us be committed to having the time of our lives while we're still able.

Welcome back, my children.